Johnnie

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.

He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, “Johnnie”.
“Right”, he said, “what about that blond one over there?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Are all your boys called Johnnie?” he asked, “Isn`t that terribly complicated?”
“Not at all”, she said, “it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed.”
“I see. But what if you want only one of them?”

“No problem.” she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.”
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Divorce

**An elderly man in Kandy calls his son in New York and says,

‘I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage… and that much misery is

enough!’*
**
**’Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

‘We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the old man says.

‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call

your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!’
**
**Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’

She calls Kandy immediately, and screams at the old man, ‘You are not
getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my
brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don’t do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR??’ and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay’, he says, ‘It’s
all set. They’re both coming for our anniversary and paying their own

airfare!!’

MORAL:

No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days.

The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones.

OFFICE WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE and MONEY MAKING IS NOT EVERYTHING IN

Life

Hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours

on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four

hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demandrd to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms

certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’.

I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for us to use.’But we didn’t use them,” I said.”Well, they are here, and you coul! d have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “we have the
best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” I said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,”But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when ! he looks at the cheque. “But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.”

”That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife,” I replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

I said, “Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!!

Tax assessment

Once a tax assessor came to a Christian business man for calculating the tax he needed to pay. On his visit

“List your possessions, please,” the assessor instructed.

The Christian said:

“First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16,

Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2,

Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7,

Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8,

Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8,

Sixth, I have a faithful wife, Proverbs 31:10,

Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12,

Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24,

Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8,

Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12 ″.

The tax assessor closed his book, and said, “Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation.”

The pastor’s ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to getrid of the donkey..

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Fabulous holiday

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you.

But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

A race to learn from.

It was a Sports Stadium.
Eight Children were standing on the track to participate in a running event.
* Ready! * Steady! * Bang !!!
With the sound of Toy pistol,
All eight girls started running.

Hardly had they covered ten to fifteen steps,
when one of the smaller girls slipped and fell down,
Due to bruises and pain she started crying.
When the other seven girls heard the little girl cry they stopped running, stood for a while and turned back.

Seeing the girl on the track they all ran to help.
One among them bent down, picked her up and kissed her gently
And enquired as to how she was..
They then lifted the fallen girl pacifying her.

Two of them held her firmly while all seven joined hands together and walked together towards the winning post…….. ..

There was pin drop silence at the spectator’s stand.
Officials were shocked.
Slow claps multiplied to thousands as the spectators stood up in appreciation.
Many eyes were filled with tears
And perhaps even God’s!

YES.!! This happened in Hyderabad [ INDIA ], recently!

The sport was conducted by
National Institute of Mental Health.
All these special girls had come to participate in this event
They were spastic children.
Yes, they were Mentally Challenged.

What did they teach the WORLD.?


Teamwork.?

Humanity.?
Equality among all.??

Successful people help others who are slow in learning
So that they are not left far behind.

This is really a great message… Spread it.!
We never do this because we have brains !!!

Smart woman knows her place

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul
,Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.. She noted
that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban
regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old
custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change?’
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, ‘Land Mines’.WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul
,Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.. She noted
that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban
regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old
custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, ‘Land Mines’.

Seeds from his garden

Don’t tell God how big your storm is; Tell the storm how big your God is!!!

This is one of the most beautiful emails I have ever received …..
Please don’t close or delete this one before reading!

An Angel says, ‘Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn’t happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.’

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.


3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won’t fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.


5. Delegate tasks to capable others.


6. Simplify and unclutter your life.


7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many).


8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.


9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don’t lump the hard things all together.


10. Take one day at a time.


11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety .. If you can’t do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don’t use credit cards for ordinary
purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key
buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.


14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut).. This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.


15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest


18. Eat right.


19 Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.


22. Every day, find time to be alone.


23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don’t wait until it’s time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.


25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.


26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good ‘Thank you Jesus .’


27. Laugh.


28.. Laugh some more!


29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).


31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

32. Sit on your ego


33 Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.


35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the
universe…


36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you’re grateful for that
you’ve never been grateful for before.
GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

‘If God is for us, who can be against us?’

Journey to wisdom

My Journey to Wisdom
by Joyce Rupp

Once upon a time a child of happiness danced upon the land, knew friendship with the earth
and celebrated life with her love of solitude and simple things.

She grew into a young woman, whose vision of self was clouded, clothed with the complexities of insecurity and the necessity of leaving the hallowed womb of the quiet earth.
She walked into cities of strangers, straining her inner eye to catch the slightest hint of the beauty that had energized her younger days when she played upon the earth.
Days stretched into months and then years went by.
She slowly changed by going deeper, deeper, into her Center.
Never understanding why the desire to go deeper was there but always knowing there was no other choice than to follow at all costs.
Darkness often loomed up large against her searching journey.
Risk and Truth became her companions.
She met Compassion and then Wisdom came to greet her.
So close, at times, were these companions that she wept for their intensity and her unworthiness.
Still, they walked with her, and everywhere she went, her companions reached out and blessed the people of her life.
She could only kneel in gratitude, offering her heart of praise to the Divine Companion who had faithfully kept the kindling of love
burning in her heart.
Thoughts from the Author
I share my discovered wisdoms with you in order to encourage you on your own inner way and to spark the recognition of your wisdoms that are waiting to be welcomed by you…. My hope is that you will gather the gift of time and take the journey to the inner world where Sophia (Wisdom) waits for you. — Joyce Rupp