Wife jokes

1. A man visits a mental hospital. He sees a patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting Sandhya !! Sandhya !!”

he asks the assistant about the reason for his behavior. Asst says the patient used to love a girl called Sandhya but couldn’t marry her. So he became mad.

The man visits the next ward. There also he sees another patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting

“Sandhya !! Sandhya!!”

The man looks at the assistant.

The assistant says “This one married Sandhya 😂😂😂😂

2. 

Loyalty Tests…
Test 1:

Wife buys 12 underwears of same colour for hubby..🔻
Hubby- Why same colour sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.

Wife- Which people❓😡😡😡
Total silence…😳😁😖😷
Test 2:

A couple sees a hot girl.. 😍💃💃

Wife: So big, aren’t they? 😳😳

Husband: Yes 👀

Wife: Are they artificial?

Husband: I think natural. 😎😎

Wife: Ear-rings & Natural?? 😕😕

.

Total Silence 😐😐😐

.
Best one

Test 3:

Men will always be Men – 

Once a group of men decided to go for Tirth Yatra. Their guide explained to them that they might see some ladies bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all. When they see anything like that, they should just say HARI OM and move on. Next day they started the yatra and one of the men in the group said- “HARI OM” and rest of them said- “WHERE WHERE!” 😆😆😆…

Take me back 

🚶…..🚶‍♀……

Take me back to the old Paths, when Moms were at home. Dads were at work.  Brothers went into the army. And sisters got married BEFORE having  children!

Crime did not pay; Hard work did; And people knew the difference.

 Moms could cook; Dads would work; Children would behave…Husbands were loving; Wives were supportive; and children were polite.

Women wore the dresses; and Men wore the trousers. Women looked like ladies;Men looked like gentlemen; and children looked decent.

People loved the truth, and hated a lie; They came to church to get IN, Not to get OUT!

Hymns sounded Godly; Sermons sounded helpful; Rejoicing sounded normal; and crying sounded sincere.Cursing was wicked; Drinking was evil; and divorce was unthinkable.

 We read the Bible in public; Prayed in school; And preached from house to house. To be called a Christian was worth living for; To be called a traitor was a shame!

Sex was a personal word. Homosexual was an unheard of word, And abortion was an illegal word.

Preachers preached because they had a message; and Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY!

Preachers preached from the Bible; Singers sang from the heart; Sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!

 A new birth meant a new life; Salvation meant a changed life; Following Christ led to eternal life.

Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God; Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord; Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;

And being a sinner meant someone was praying for you!

Laws were based on the Bible; Homes read the Bible; And churches taught the Bible.

Preachers were more interested in new converts than new clothes and new cars.

Church was where you found Christians on the Lord’s day, rather than being entertained someway.

Give me that old time religion! ‘Tis good enough for me! I still like the “Old Paths” best! Jeremiah! 6:16.

🌾🌻🌼🌸🌺

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

DEO  GRATIAS !

Red indian chief

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. 
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. 
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’ 
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,’ the weather man responded. 
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Is it going to be a very cold winter?’ 
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘It’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.’ 
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. 
Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ ‘Absolutely,’ The man replied. ‘It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’ 
‘How can you be so sure?’ the Chief asked. 
The weatherman replied, ‘The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.’ 

This is how stock markets and currencies work…

As you plant So shall you reap

An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom together one day. He said, ‘It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you.’ 

The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. ‘I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One very special seed…. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here after one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring and the one I choose will be the next emperor!’ 
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. 
Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants but Ling didn’t have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling’s pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. 
Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn’t say anything to his friends. However he just kept waiting for his seed to grow. 
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn’t going to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace, when Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. 
They were beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, “Hey nice try.” 
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. “What great plants, trees and flowers you have grown,’ said the emperor. Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor:’ All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified…”The emperor knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!” 
When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. ’My name is Ling,’ he replied. 
All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling and then announced to the crowd, ‘Behold your new emperor… His name is Ling!” 
Ling couldn’t believe it. Ling couldn’t even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor? 

Then the emperor said, “One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers, when you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor.” 
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust. 
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends. 
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness. 
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory. 
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony. 
If you plant hard work, you will reap success. 
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation. 
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy. 
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements. 
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles. 
But If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust. 
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness. 
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction. 
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble. 
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation. 
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation. 
If you plant greed, you will reap loss. 
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies. 
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles. 
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt. 

Remember your graves because your way passes over it. You will be dealt with as you deal with others, you will reap what you sow and what you send today will meet you tomorrow. 

So be careful what you plant now, it will determine what you will reap tomorrow, The seeds you now scatter, will make life worse or better, your life or the ones who will come after. Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits or you will pay for the choices you plant today. 

All that you want

young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealers showroom and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. AS Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. On the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Holy Quran. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, “with all your money you give me a Holy book?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. 


He never contacted his father again for long long time. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. 

Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things. When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. 

He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Holy Quran, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Holy Quran and began to turn the pages, AS he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Holy Quran. It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation and the words PAID IN FULL. 

How many times do we miss GOD blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? 

Bandage of complaint

Once a saint saw a man with a bandage tied round his head and asked “Why have you tied the bandage?” 


“Because my head aches,” the man replied. 

“How old are you?” he demanded. 

“Thirty,” he replied. 

“Have you been in pain and anguish the greater part of your life?” he enquired. 

“No,” the man answered. 

“For thirty years you have enjoyed good health,” he remarked, “and you never tied the bandage of thankfulness. Now because of this one night head ache, that you have, you tie the bandage of complaint!”

Abstention from sins is better than seeking help afterwards. 

Black and white

The following scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. 

Madam, what is the matter? the hostess asked you obviously do not see it then? 

She responded. You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat. Be calm please, the hostess replied. 

Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available. The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy dass. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class. 

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting. 

She turned to the black guy and said. Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please take YOUR hand luggage because a seat awaits you in the first dass. At the moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

This is a true story against racism, which is not usually told. All mankind is from Adam and Eve. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab. Also a white has no superiority over a black nor does a black have any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every man is the brother of another man and that we constitute one brotherhood. 

My prayers

 He remembered his grandmother’s warning about praying on time…. “My son, you shouldn’t leave prayer to this late time.” His grandmother’s age was 70 but whenever she heard the Adhan, she got up like an arrow and performed Salah / Namaz / prayer. He however could never win over his ego to get up and pray. Whatever he did, his Salah was always the last to be offered and he prayed it quickly to get it in on time. Thinking of this, he got up and realized that there were only 15 minutes left before Salat-ul Isha. He quickly made Wudhu and performed Salat-ul Maghrib. While making Tasbih, he again remembered his grandmother and was embarrassed by how he had prayed. His grandmother prayed with such tranquility and peace. He began making Dua and went down to make Sajdah and stayed like that for a while. 

He had been at school all day and was tired…. so tired. He awoke abruptly to the sound of noise and shouting. He was sweating profusely. He looked around. It was very crowded. Every direction he looked in was filled with people. Some stood frozen looking around. Some were running left and right and some were on their knees with their heads in their hands just waiting. Pure fear and apprehension filled him as he realized where he was. 
His heart was about to burst. It was the Day of Judgment. When he was alive, he had heard many things about the questioning on the Day of Judgment, but that seemed so long ago. 
Could this be something his mind made up? No, the wait and the fear were so great that he could not have imagined this. The interrogation was still going on. He began moving frantically from people to people to ask if his name had been called. No one could answer him.
All of a sudden his name was called and the crowd split into two and made a passageway for him. Two people grabbed his arms and led him forward. He walked with unknowing eyes through the crowd. The angels brought him to the center and left him there. His head was bent down and his whole life was passing in front of his eyes like a movie. He opened his eyes but saw only another world. The people were all helping others. He saw his father running from one lecture to the other, spending his wealth in the way of Islam. 
His mother invited guests to their house and one table was being set while the other was being cleared. He pleaded his case, “I too was always on this path. I helped others. I spread the word of Allah. I performed my Salah. I fasted in the month of Ramadan. Whatever Allah ordered us to do, I did. Whatever he ordered us not to do, I did not.” 
He began to cry and think about how much he loved Allah. He knew that whatever he had done in life would be less than what Allah deserved and his only protector was Allah. He was sweating like never before and was shaking all over. His eyes were fixed on the scale, waiting for the final decision. At last, the decision was made. The two angels with sheets of paper in their hands, turned to the crowd. His legs felt like they were going to collapse. He closed his eyes as they began to read the names of those people who were to enter Jahannam/Hell. His name was read first.
He fell on his knees and yelled that this couldn’t be, “How could I go to Jahannam? I served others all my life. I spread the word of Allah to others,” His eyes had become blurry and he was shaking with sweat. The two angels took him by the arms. As his feet dragged, they went through the crowd and advanced toward the blazing flames of Jahannam. He was yelling and wondered if there was any person who was going to help him. He was yelling of all the good deeds he had done, how he had helped his father, his fasts, prayers, the Quran that he read, he was asking if none of them would help him. 
The Jahannam angels continued to drag him. They had gotten closer to the Hellfire. He looked back and these were his last pleas. 
Had not Rasulullah [saw] said, “How clean would a person be who bathes in a river five times a day, so too does the Salah performed five times cleanse someone of their sins?” 
He began yelling, “My prayers? My prayers? My prayers?” 
The two angels did not stop and they came to the edge of the abyss of Jahannam. The flames of the fire were burning his face. He looked back one last time, but his eyes were dry of hope and he had nothing left in him. 
One of the angels pushed him in. He found himself in the air and falling towards the flames. He had just fallen five or six feet when a hand grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. He lifted his head and saw an old man with a long white beard. 
He wiped some dust off himself and asked him, “Who are you?” 
The old man replied, “I am your prayers.” 
“Why are you so late! I was almost in the Fire! You rescued me at the last minute before I fell in.” 
The old man smiled and shook his head. “You always performed me at the last minute and did you forget?” 

At that instant, he blinked and lifted his head from Sajdah. He was in a sweat. He listened to the voices coming from outside. He heard the adhan for Salat-ul-Isha. He got up quickly and went to perform Wudhu. 

My prayers

 He remembered his grandmother’s warning about praying on time…. “My son, you shouldn’t leave prayer to this late time.” His grandmother’s age was 70 but whenever she heard the Adhan, she got up like an arrow and performed Salah / Namaz / prayer. He however could never win over his ego to get up and pray. Whatever he did, his Salah was always the last to be offered and he prayed it quickly to get it in on time. Thinking of this, he got up and realized that there were only 15 minutes left before Salat-ul Isha. He quickly made Wudhu and performed Salat-ul Maghrib. While making Tasbih, he again remembered his grandmother and was embarrassed by how he had prayed. His grandmother prayed with such tranquility and peace. He began making Dua and went down to make Sajdah and stayed like that for a while. 

He had been at school all day and was tired…. so tired. He awoke abruptly to the sound of noise and shouting. He was sweating profusely. He looked around. It was very crowded. Every direction he looked in was filled with people. Some stood frozen looking around. Some were running left and right and some were on their knees with their heads in their hands just waiting. Pure fear and apprehension filled him as he realized where he was. 
His heart was about to burst. It was the Day of Judgment. When he was alive, he had heard many things about the questioning on the Day of Judgment, but that seemed so long ago. 
Could this be something his mind made up? No, the wait and the fear were so great that he could not have imagined this. The interrogation was still going on. He began moving frantically from people to people to ask if his name had been called. No one could answer him.
All of a sudden his name was called and the crowd split into two and made a passageway for him. Two people grabbed his arms and led him forward. He walked with unknowing eyes through the crowd. The angels brought him to the center and left him there. His head was bent down and his whole life was passing in front of his eyes like a movie. He opened his eyes but saw only another world. The people were all helping others. He saw his father running from one lecture to the other, spending his wealth in the way of Islam. 
His mother invited guests to their house and one table was being set while the other was being cleared. He pleaded his case, “I too was always on this path. I helped others. I spread the word of Allah. I performed my Salah. I fasted in the month of Ramadan. Whatever Allah ordered us to do, I did. Whatever he ordered us not to do, I did not.” 
He began to cry and think about how much he loved Allah. He knew that whatever he had done in life would be less than what Allah deserved and his only protector was Allah. He was sweating like never before and was shaking all over. His eyes were fixed on the scale, waiting for the final decision. At last, the decision was made. The two angels with sheets of paper in their hands, turned to the crowd. His legs felt like they were going to collapse. He closed his eyes as they began to read the names of those people who were to enter Jahannam/Hell. His name was read first.
He fell on his knees and yelled that this couldn’t be, “How could I go to Jahannam? I served others all my life. I spread the word of Allah to others,” His eyes had become blurry and he was shaking with sweat. The two angels took him by the arms. As his feet dragged, they went through the crowd and advanced toward the blazing flames of Jahannam. He was yelling and wondered if there was any person who was going to help him. He was yelling of all the good deeds he had done, how he had helped his father, his fasts, prayers, the Quran that he read, he was asking if none of them would help him. 
The Jahannam angels continued to drag him. They had gotten closer to the Hellfire. He looked back and these were his last pleas. 
Had not Rasulullah [saw] said, “How clean would a person be who bathes in a river five times a day, so too does the Salah performed five times cleanse someone of their sins?” 
He began yelling, “My prayers? My prayers? My prayers?” 
The two angels did not stop and they came to the edge of the abyss of Jahannam. The flames of the fire were burning his face. He looked back one last time, but his eyes were dry of hope and he had nothing left in him. 
One of the angels pushed him in. He found himself in the air and falling towards the flames. He had just fallen five or six feet when a hand grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. He lifted his head and saw an old man with a long white beard. 
He wiped some dust off himself and asked him, “Who are you?” 
The old man replied, “I am your prayers.” 
“Why are you so late! I was almost in the Fire! You rescued me at the last minute before I fell in.” 
The old man smiled and shook his head. “You always performed me at the last minute and did you forget?” 

At that instant, he blinked and lifted his head from Sajdah. He was in a sweat. He listened to the voices coming from outside. He heard the adhan for Salat-ul-Isha. He got up quickly and went to perform Wudhu. 

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