Category Archives: Office

Payment

A drunk naked woman boards a cab in America.

Driver of the cab, a Gujju, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Havenโ€™t you ever seen a naked woman before?

Gujju : Cool down, maam. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering as to where you have kept the money to pay me?

Moral : This is what most of the Indian Banks failed to do……
Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying the exposure

Lalit Modi, Vijay Mallya and Nirav Modi are starting an aashram south of London.

It is called

“The Art of Leaving”

Just cancelled my ticket for going abroad.
Unnecessarily, why create a doubt in my Banker’s mind…๐Ÿ˜‚
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚โœˆโœˆโœˆ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

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English funny

๐ŸŒ€Leave applications.๐ŸŒ€

(murdering the English language)

๐ŸŒ€Infosys, Bangalore:๐ŸŒ€
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Oracle, Bangalore:๐ŸŒ€
From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“As I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€A leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€A leave letter to a headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Another letter written to a headmaster:
“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom…”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Actual application for leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
“wife serious, send substitute!”

Laugh and pass…

Death between two criminals

An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s US capital. He summoned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see President George Bush and Vice President Cheney before I die.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Capitol Building and waited for a response. Soon the reply arrived: Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, followed by a large contingency of the press, President Bush leaned over and whispered to Cheney, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.”
Cheney couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the press crowded around and the priest took Bush’s hand in his right hand and Cheney’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Bush, smiling and looking at all the press, spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”

“Amen” said Cheney.

“Amen” said the President.

The old priest continued, “The Lord Jesus died between two criminals. I would like to do the same.”

The pastor’s ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to getrid of the donkey..

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Teachers sickness

FINALLLLLLLLLLY THIS ONE ON TEACHERS
LAUGH AND SHARE
BE VERY PROUD OF OUR PROFESSION
IT REQUIRES A HELL LOT OF ENDURANCE๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™โœ‹๐Ÿปโœ‹๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œโค
A woman working in a school as a teacher became sick…
She consulted many Multi Specialty Hospitals ๐Ÿฅ… Still she couldn’t get cured…
She was sad…

Then her husband advised her “Why don’t you consult a Veterinary doctor?”
She was shocked ๐Ÿ˜จ๐Ÿ˜ณ…
She screamed at him… “Are you mad… ?” ๐Ÿ˜ก

He spoke softly… “Nothing happened to me…. It is you having a problem… You wake up early in the morning ๐ŸŒž like a Cock ๐Ÿ”, take half bath like a Crow ๐Ÿง , eat something like a Monkey ๐Ÿ’, then run to school like a Race Horse ๐Ÿด๐ŸŽ, you work like a Donkey ๐Ÿบ, there you scream at your students like a Wild Bear ๐Ÿป, evening ๐ŸŒ you reach home and bark at us like a Dog ๐Ÿ•, then you eat like a Crocodile ๐ŸŠ, ๐ŸŒš you go to bed and sleep like a Buffalo ๐Ÿƒ… ๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ˜ด……….
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a Veterinary doctor…”

The woman just sat there shocked staring at her husband… ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Husband asked her, “Now why are looking at me like an Owl…?”
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ฐ

Placements

The real placements Agency: ” Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements, now how do you want their  placements sir?”
M.D: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:-
1)  If they are counting the bricks, Put them in Accounts deptt.
2)  If they are re-counting the bricks, Put them in Auditing.
3)  If they have messed up the whole room with the bricks, Put them in Engineering.
4)  If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in Planning.
5)  If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in Operations.
6)  If they are sleeping, Put them in Security.
7)  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in Information Technology.
8)  If they are sitting idle, Put them in Human Resources.
9)  If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, Put them in Sales.
10) If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11) If they are staring out of the window, Put them in Strategic Planning.
And…….
12)  If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜œ

Malyali jokes

What ?? Alcohol ban in my Kerala ! This is zimbly terrible. Today I will take an otto, go to the temble and ask God why he did thiz in hiz own kentry?? I ask all my ungles and aunthies to take all their meney and shift to Gelf and Thhubai immediately !
Enough of Sardar jokesโ€ฆโ€ฆMallu jokes are in town!!!!!!!!!!
1) What is the tax on a Mallu’s income called?

IngumDax.
2) Where did the Malayali study?     

In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?

He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?

To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?

To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?

He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.                            
7) How does a Malayali spell moon?

MOON – Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?

Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?

He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?

An Oto.
11) Where does he pray?

In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.                          
12) Who is Bruce Lee’s best friend?

A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?

Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?

Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait? 

He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say ‘KEEP QUWAIT’ ‘KEEP QUWAIT’.     
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?

Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where “.
17) Why aren’t Mallus included in hockey and football teams?

Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.
Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free sample of  kokanet oil.          

        

Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs….

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Story of how to Respond, not React!


There was a large puddle by the side of a road. As a lady was walking on the sidewalk, a car drove through the puddle and she was drenched head to foot. Shaking with rage, she glared at the car as it drove away. Then she looked around at the other people looking at her, and worrying about what others could be thinking of her, she stuffed her anger down inside and walked on with an icy expression. She was very angry and upset the whole day. This little incident had spoilt her day (and if she is not careful she could spoil the day for others too).
A little later, as another woman walked by on the same sidewalk, a truck drove through the puddle, and dirty water splashed all over her. Shocked, she looked down at her drenched clothing for several seconds before bursting into laughter. And as she walked on down the sidewalk, she remembered all those times as a child that she and her friends had played out in the rain, stomping puddles and laughing with delight.
An hour later, as another woman walked by on the sidewalk — all dressed up and on her way to an important meeting — a car drove by through the puddle, splashing the muddy water all over her. First she felt shock, and then began shaking with rage. Not caring what anyone around her thought, she screamed at the top of her lungs, and people stopped and stared at her. Feeling better from having gotten that immediate anger out of her, she took a deep breath, released it, and walked back the way she had come to remedy the situation, by placing stones in the large puddle and filling it up and chuckling at how ridiculously funny life can be sometimes.
We have narrated three different kinds of response to the same situation. One reacted with suppressed anger, another lady responded with a smile and the third reacted, reflected and then responded with a cheerful, โ€˜you-canโ€™t-destroy-my-happinessโ€™ attitude. Life and wellbeing is all about making choices and another choice we can make in life is to use the positive power of response rather than use the negative power of reaction. 

The Story of Genie and the Boss



A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

 The Genie says, โ€œIโ€™ll give each of you just one wishโ€ 
โ€œMe first! Me first!โ€ says the admin. clerk. โ€œI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.โ€ Poof! Sheโ€™s gone.
 โ€œMe next! Me next!โ€ says the sales rep. โ€œI want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.โ€ Poof! Heโ€™s gone. 
โ€œOK, youโ€™re up,โ€ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, โ€œI want those two back in the office after lunch.โ€

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

โ€œBig John doesn’t pay!"


One fine day, a bus driver and conductor went to the bus garage and began their routine job quietly. It was their normal route and there were no problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet, eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, โ€œBig John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
The bus conductor was five feet, three, thin, and basically meek. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. He was angry within but he dared not express it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. It became a routine drama, everyday, the same route, the same conductor and the same big John refusing to pay. The regular commuters began to look forward to this little drama and the meek conductorโ€™s reaction.
This grated on the bus conductor, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, โ€œBig John doesn't pay!" The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, โ€œAnd why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, โ€œBig John has a bus pass."
The bus conductor could have confronted him without having judged him in silence. He could have saved himself a lot of humiliation. Often we are put to shame by our own overdrive to condemn or put someone down.