Category Archives: Office

Indian jokes

Donald trump wants to paint the white house.. He calls for quotation.. Chinese guy quoted 3 million. European guy quoted 7 million..
Indian guy quoted 10 million..
Trump asked chinese guy..”..how did u quote 3 million..?” Chinese guy replied .. “1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit..” Trump asked european guy.. He replied-“.. 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit..”
Trump asked Indian guy.. He replied.. ..”..4 million for you.. 3 million for me.. .. .. and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Indian got the contract ! πŸ‘

Advertisements

Corporate joke

*Corporate joke*

*A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost…*

*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
*”Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”*

*Man below replied :-*
*”You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.”*

*Lady :- “You must be an engineer.”*

*Man :- “How do you know?”*

*Lady :- “Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I’m still lost.”*

*Engineer :- “You must be in Top Management.”*

*Lady :- “Ya. How do you know?”*

*Engineer :- “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, you have no technical knowledge. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!”*
πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€
*A must read n circulate for all working professionals!*
πŸ˜›

Leave application

πŸŒ€Leave applications.πŸŒ€

(murdering the English language)

πŸŒ€Infosys, Bangalore:πŸŒ€
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Oracle, Bangalore:πŸŒ€
From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“As I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”
________________________________
πŸŒ€From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
________________________________
πŸŒ€A leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€A leave letter to a headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Another letter written to a headmaster:
“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom…”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Actual application for leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
________________________________
πŸŒ€Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
“wife serious, send substitute!”

Laugh and pass…

Payment

A drunk naked woman boards a cab in America.

Driver of the cab, a Gujju, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

Gujju : Cool down, maam. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering as to where you have kept the money to pay me?

Moral : This is what most of the Indian Banks failed to do……
Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying the exposure

Lalit Modi, Vijay Mallya and Nirav Modi are starting an aashram south of London.

It is called

“The Art of Leaving”

Just cancelled my ticket for going abroad.
Unnecessarily, why create a doubt in my Banker’s mind…πŸ˜‚
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚βœˆβœˆβœˆπŸ˜ŽπŸ˜Ž

English funny

πŸŒ€Leave applications.πŸŒ€

(murdering the English language)

πŸŒ€Infosys, Bangalore:πŸŒ€
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Oracle, Bangalore:πŸŒ€
From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“As I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”
________________________________
πŸŒ€From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
________________________________
πŸŒ€A leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€A leave letter to a headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Another letter written to a headmaster:
“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom…”
________________________________
πŸŒ€Actual application for leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
________________________________
πŸŒ€Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
“wife serious, send substitute!”

Laugh and pass…

Death between two criminals

An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s US capital. He summoned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see President George Bush and Vice President Cheney before I die.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Capitol Building and waited for a response. Soon the reply arrived: Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, followed by a large contingency of the press, President Bush leaned over and whispered to Cheney, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.”
Cheney couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the press crowded around and the priest took Bush’s hand in his right hand and Cheney’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Bush, smiling and looking at all the press, spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”

“Amen” said Cheney.

“Amen” said the President.

The old priest continued, “The Lord Jesus died between two criminals. I would like to do the same.”

The pastor’s ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to getrid of the donkey..

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Teachers sickness

FINALLLLLLLLLLY THIS ONE ON TEACHERS
LAUGH AND SHARE
BE VERY PROUD OF OUR PROFESSION
IT REQUIRES A HELL LOT OF ENDURANCEπŸ˜ƒπŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™βœ‹πŸ»βœ‹πŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘ŒπŸ‘Œβ€
A woman working in a school as a teacher became sick…
She consulted many Multi Specialty Hospitals πŸ₯… Still she couldn’t get cured…
She was sad…

Then her husband advised her “Why don’t you consult a Veterinary doctor?”
She was shocked 😨😳…
She screamed at him… “Are you mad… ?” 😑

He spoke softly… “Nothing happened to me…. It is you having a problem… You wake up early in the morning 🌞 like a Cock πŸ”, take half bath like a Crow 🐧 , eat something like a Monkey πŸ’, then run to school like a Race Horse 🐴🐎, you work like a Donkey 🐺, there you scream at your students like a Wild Bear 🐻, evening 🌝 you reach home and bark at us like a Dog πŸ•, then you eat like a Crocodile 🐊, 🌚 you go to bed and sleep like a Buffalo πŸƒ… 😴😴……….
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a Veterinary doctor…”

The woman just sat there shocked staring at her husband… 😳

Husband asked her, “Now why are looking at me like an Owl…?”
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜€πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜­πŸ˜°

Placements

The real placements Agency: ” Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements, now how do you want their  placements sir?”
M.D: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:-
1)  If they are counting the bricks, Put them in Accounts deptt.
2)  If they are re-counting the bricks, Put them in Auditing.
3)  If they have messed up the whole room with the bricks, Put them in Engineering.
4)  If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in Planning.
5)  If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in Operations.
6)  If they are sleeping, Put them in Security.
7)  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in Information Technology.
8)  If they are sitting idle, Put them in Human Resources.
9)  If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, Put them in Sales.
10) If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11) If they are staring out of the window, Put them in Strategic Planning.
And…….
12)  If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜πŸ˜…πŸ˜œ

Malyali jokes

What ?? Alcohol ban in my Kerala ! This is zimbly terrible. Today I will take an otto, go to the temble and ask God why he did thiz in hiz own kentry?? I ask all my ungles and aunthies to take all their meney and shift to Gelf and Thhubai immediately !
Enough of Sardar jokes……Mallu jokes are in town!!!!!!!!!!
1) What is the tax on a Mallu’s income called?

IngumDax.
2) Where did the Malayali study?     

In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?

He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?

To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?

To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?

He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.                            
7) How does a Malayali spell moon?

MOON – Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?

Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?

He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?

An Oto.
11) Where does he pray?

In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.                          
12) Who is Bruce Lee’s best friend?

A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?

Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?

Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait? 

He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say ‘KEEP QUWAIT’ ‘KEEP QUWAIT’.     
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?

Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where “.
17) Why aren’t Mallus included in hockey and football teams?

Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.
Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free sample of  kokanet oil.          

        

Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs….

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œπŸ˜œπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ