Category Archives: Family

Why did God make mum’s

*Why God made Mums?*

Answers given by 3 to 5 year old school children to the following questions:

*Why did God make mothers?*
1. She’s the only one who knows where the cellotape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

*How did God make mothers?*
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

*Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?*
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mum like me.

*What kind of a little girl was your mum?*
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

*Who’s the boss at your house?*
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed
3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

*What’s the difference between mums and dads?*
1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

*What does your mum do in her spare time?*
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

*What would it take to make your mum perfect?*
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d dye it , maybe blue.

*If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?*
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my brother who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING — SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, DADS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS….and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

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Grandpa jokes

Secret of Grandpa
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.
Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“I will tell you the secret of my success,” Grandpa said, “My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
One friend further asked, β€˜But your wife is also slim and energetic?’
Grandpa said, β€˜that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!.’

Wife jokes

*Laughter Therapy* πŸ˜‚πŸ˜πŸ˜œπŸ€£

While getting married, most of the guys say to girl’s parents,
“I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life”.

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy’s parents
like “I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life”????

Nooo…. because women don’t tell lies! πŸ˜€πŸ˜œ

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If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable.
If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

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A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- Every WIFE is a β€˜Mistress’ of her Husband…
β€œMiss” for first year & β€œStress” for rest of the life…

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Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?
That was common sense leaving your body.

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Son : Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!
Dad: What role are you playing?
Son: A husband!
Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

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Man outside phone booth: β€œExcuse me, you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
Man inside: β€œi am talking to my wife!”

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A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage.. She said- β€œsacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot.”

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Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!

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Husband to wife : U should learn to embrace your mistakes…..
She hugged him immediately.
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Share to make others smile…laughter works like medicine! ✌✌✌✌

Signs of aging

Signs of aging –
Written by a confident lady ….

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn’t there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them …….
My husband’s theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot !

Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot and came to a terrifying conclusion …..
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty 😱😞😞.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked, etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband,
“Honey (I stammered ; I always call him ‘honey’ in times like these ) , I left my keys in the car …. and it has been stolen.”

There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy as well, I said, “Well, then pls come and get me.”

He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car.” 😁😁

Don’t laugh alone πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Send to other husbands or wives because ….
So many things go wrong daily, and this is the essence of marraige!!

Sunday service


One Sunday morning,

A priest decided to do something a little different.
He said ‘Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever
Single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind —

The pastor shouted out ‘CROSS. ‘

Immediately
The congregation started singing in unison, ‘THE OLD RUGGED CROSS. ‘

The pastor hollered out ‘GRACE.’ The congregation began
To sing ‘AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.’

The pastor said
‘POWER.’ The congregation sang ‘THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.’

The
Pastor said ‘SEX’ The congregation fell into total Silence.

Everyone Was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to Say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the Church,
A Little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
‘PRECIOUS MEMORIES. ‘

Sex at 100 yrs

“Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’ s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ‘He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

‘Oh no, my dear,’ replied granny.!

‘Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring..
It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.’

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

‘He’d still be alive if the fire engine had not passed by.”

After 9 months

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid theneighbours will talk if I letyou stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney…

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Boband asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob

‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes !,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’

(And you thought the ending would bedifferent, didn’t you?… you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours

on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four

hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demandrd to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms

certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’.

I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for us to use.’But we didn’t use them,” I said.”Well, they are here, and you coul! d have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “we have the
best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” I said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,”But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when ! he looks at the cheque. “But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.”

”That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife,” I replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

I said, “Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!!

American customs

Love This One!

A Chinese moves to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’,
he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’,
he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive way …..pause…… and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.

The American bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.’

The China man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs, I doing,
these American Customs.’

‘What do you mean’ says the neighbor, ‘Those aren’t American customs.’

_You will love this_

‘Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the China-man.

‘He say to become true American, I must learn to

….. chase chicks,

….. get piss drunk,

and

….. listen to bull-shit!’

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Lie clock

This killed me.

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? …

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa’s. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.

The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our Married men?

The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as ‘OFFICE FANS’

She then asked, what of the Married women?

The angel replied, ‘those are out there generating electricity!’
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