Payment

A drunk naked woman boards a cab in America.

Driver of the cab, a Gujju, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Havenโ€™t you ever seen a naked woman before?

Gujju : Cool down, maam. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering as to where you have kept the money to pay me?

Moral : This is what most of the Indian Banks failed to do……
Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying the exposure

Lalit Modi, Vijay Mallya and Nirav Modi are starting an aashram south of London.

It is called

“The Art of Leaving”

Just cancelled my ticket for going abroad.
Unnecessarily, why create a doubt in my Banker’s mind…๐Ÿ˜‚
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚โœˆโœˆโœˆ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

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View from the window

A great note for all to read it will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the
room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it. In his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside..

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’
Epilogue

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situation
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is dou

bled

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy
T

oday is a gift, that’s why it is called the present.’

Missing children

Enjoy the company of your children. Very touching message.
A beautiful post ……….from one mother to another mother

There were days when My home used to be filled with laughter, arguments, fights, jokes and loads of mischief.

Pens and books all over, and clothes messing the rooms, thrown on the beds.

I used to shout at them to tidy up their mess.

In the morning:

One will wake up and say :
Mama I can’t find a certain book.

And the other will say : I can’t find my perfume,

And one will say : Mama where’s my homework.

And another : Mama I forgot to complete my homework.

Everyone used to ask about their lost possessions. And I will say, but take care of your stuff, be responsible, you have to grow up.

And today I stand at the doorway of the room. The beds are empty. All the cupboards have only a few pieces of clothes in them. And what remains is the smell of perfume that lingers in the air.

Everyone had a special smell. So I take in the smell of their perfume for maybe it will fill the empty ache in my heart.

All I have now is the memory of their laughs and their mischief and their warm hugs.

Today my house is clean and organized and everything is in its place, and it is calm and peaceful. But it is like a desert with no life in it. Do not become angry with your kids about the mess.

Every time they come to visit and they spend time with us, when they are ready to leave. They pull their bags and it is as if they tug my heart along with it.

They close the door behind them and then I stand still and think of the many times I shouted them to close the doors.

Here I am today, closing my own doors. Nobody opens it besides me. Each one gone to a different city or a different country. All left to find their own path in life.

They have grown up and I wished that they could stay with me forever.

Oh! God….. Take care of them & all other children wherever they may be, for You are their guide and protector …and always keep them happy.

If your children are still in the stage that you need to talk and talk before they could get things done in the house, please, cherish and endure it with joy, don’t nag, they will soon leave your home for you, remember they were not there at the beginning of your marriage. Now that they are around, make them happy.

Dedicated to all mothers and fathers.

English funny

๐ŸŒ€Leave applications.๐ŸŒ€

(murdering the English language)

๐ŸŒ€Infosys, Bangalore:๐ŸŒ€
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Oracle, Bangalore:๐ŸŒ€
From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“As I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€A leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€A leave letter to a headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Another letter written to a headmaster:
“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom…”
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Actual application for leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
________________________________
๐ŸŒ€Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
“wife serious, send substitute!”

Laugh and pass…

Signs of aging

Signs of aging –
Written by a confident lady ….

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn’t there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them …….
My husband’s theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot !

Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot and came to a terrifying conclusion …..
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked, etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband,
“Honey (I stammered ; I always call him ‘honey’ in times like these ) , I left my keys in the car …. and it has been stolen.”

There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy as well, I said, “Well, then pls come and get me.”

He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car.” ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

Don’t laugh alone ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Send to other husbands or wives because ….
So many things go wrong daily, and this is the essence of marraige!!

Stay

S T A Y
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
“Your son is here,” she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient’s eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent.. He
reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man’s limp ones, squeezing a message of love and
encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man’s hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was
oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital – the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients..
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said
nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now
lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the
Marine interrupted her.
“Who was that man?” he asked.
The nurse was startled, “He was your father,” she answered.
“No, he wasn’t,” the Marine replied. “I never saw him before in my life..”
“Then why didn’t you say something when I took you to him?”
“I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed
his son, and his son just wasn’t here. When I realized that he was too
sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed
me, I stayed.” I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey. His Son
was killed in war today, and I was sent to inform him. What was this
Gentleman’s Name?
The Nurse with Tears in her Eyes answered, “Mr. William Grey………….”

The next time someone needs you ……. just be there. Stay.
WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.
WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Sunday service


One Sunday morning,

A priest decided to do something a little different.
He said ‘Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever
Single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind —

The pastor shouted out ‘CROSS. ‘

Immediately
The congregation started singing in unison, ‘THE OLD RUGGED CROSS. ‘

The pastor hollered out ‘GRACE.’ The congregation began
To sing ‘AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.’

The pastor said
‘POWER.’ The congregation sang ‘THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.’

The
Pastor said ‘SEX’ The congregation fell into total Silence.

Everyone Was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to Say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the Church,
A Little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
‘PRECIOUS MEMORIES. ‘

Death between two criminals

An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s US capital. He summoned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see President George Bush and Vice President Cheney before I die.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Capitol Building and waited for a response. Soon the reply arrived: Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, followed by a large contingency of the press, President Bush leaned over and whispered to Cheney, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.”
Cheney couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the press crowded around and the priest took Bush’s hand in his right hand and Cheney’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Bush, smiling and looking at all the press, spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”

“Amen” said Cheney.

“Amen” said the President.

The old priest continued, “The Lord Jesus died between two criminals. I would like to do the same.”

Sex at 100 yrs

“Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’ s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ‘He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

‘Oh no, my dear,’ replied granny.!

‘Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring..
It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.’

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

‘He’d still be alive if the fire engine had not passed by.”

After 9 months

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid theneighbours will talk if I letyou stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney…

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Boband asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob

‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes !,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’

(And you thought the ending would bedifferent, didn’t you?… you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)